A Place Called "Me"

2009 At A Glance

1 comments Published Friday, January 01, 2010 by Amanda.

It's quick, isn't it?
Another year has come to an end.

Growing up as a child, the end of a year, followed by the beginning of another, simply means the end of the school holidays and the start of a new school term; it held no significance.
"It's just an increase in number, isn't it? Why is everyone so eager to celebrate?", I used to think.

But entering adulthood, and with my thoughts getting more and more directed towards self-improvement and spiritual and emotional growth, I'm beginning to understand just why new years are such big deal to so many of us.

"There are 365 days in a year."
Having this knowledge imprinted into our minds since young, the 365th day, very naturally, becomes the day of reflection for most of us.
"How have I lived out the past 364 days?"
"Did those 364 days help me get any closer to my goals?"
"How have I changed in the course of the year? Is it for the better or worse?"
"Is there anything that I would have done differently, anything that I would love to change?"

And we begin making promises to ourselves to correct past mistakes and make up for lost time.
We declare what we would like to see achieved by the end of the next 365 days.
It might seem a futile exercise to some because most of the time we end up getting horribly sidetracked halfway through the new year, but I thought it to be important anyway.
After all, how can there be action, if there wasn't any intention fuelling it to begin with?

Year 2009 wasn't like any of the others I've previously had.

It was in this year that I finally made that trip to the Land of the Rising Sun, one that I didn't even think possible in the past, for I was always under the impression that I didn't have enough money.

While my family isn't poor, I was aware from a very young age that education is expensive; and my parents carry the burden of having to give that to four of their children.
Even though Mom and Dad would always tell me that it's okay, that they are able and willing to support us for as long as we wish to study, I would always feel bad about having to use so much of their hard-earned money.

Getting that scholarship to study abroad was God-sent.
All of a sudden I didn't have to rely on my parents anymore, and the money set aside for my education can be added to my siblings' funds.
However, that only succeeded in making me stubborn in a way.

Even though I have no qualms about spending my own money on whatever and whomever I adore, spending huge amount of my parents' money became a big no-no for me.
I wonder how that makes them feel, to have a daughter who refuses to accept money from her parents?
Or my siblings and friends for that matter, who have to constantly be around a person who dislikes doing what they have no choice but to do?

Either way it makes me feel bad, but what I've learnt in 2009 is that money is only an issue if I make it out to be.
Instead of focusing on the scarcity of money, isn't it better to spend that energy being grateful that I even have enough to live comfortably?

Being on the subject of money, year 2009 is also the year during which I spend the most money.
Whether it's the rent, the trip to Japan, the DSLR and lenses, the iPod, the tea, the jackets, the books, the eating out, the bubble tea, I bought and did it all with the tri-monthly allowance that made up my income, but still having more than enough to go by.

Year 2009, in this regard, was a year of financial prosperity.

Year 2009 was also a year in which I met, and made friends with many nice and interesting people, but at the same time, goodbyes were said to friends who have graduated, as well as to those who will be staying for another year or two.

It was a year of utmost significance, for it was a year of finality in many respects.

Year 2009 was my final year of studies as a university student.
But because of that, it also became a year filled with anxiety.
As a student, I spent the year worrying over whether I'll be able to graduate, and getting extremely tired of studying that I wasn't able to focus properly half the time.
As a graduate, I spent the remaining of the year worrying over my direction in life, and over whether I'll be able to secure a job and be a valuable member of the society.
Nevertheless, it was also towards the end of the year that I was finally able to stop worrying and start living.

Year 2009 was also my final year of getting to spend time together with many of my friends.
Even so, to be able to get to know them and share moments of joy and pain together, however short-lived, made me really happy somehow.

In the romance department, year 2009 was the year during which I grew emotionally attached to someone.
It was the year I discovered just how immature and cowardly I can be in handling such matter as affection, because instead of acknowledging it, I chose to flee, going so far as to avoid that person for a whole week.
But just as I thought, there was no way for it to be returned.
Still, I tried my best to be a good friend all the way until the end, so I'm satisfied with how things went.

Health-wise, year 2009 was... "phenomenal".
I fell sick a couple of times, almost to the point of having to sit for a deferred exam once.
From feeling nausea to having a full-day headache, muscle strain to stomach discomfort, a "broken nose" to a bump in the forehead from walking into a pole, year 2009 wasn't a very kind year to my body.

But despite being rough in some aspects, year 2009 was, I feel, an all-around good year, for it gave me the much needed push in the back to learn and to change for the better.

What sort of year will 2010 be for me I wonder?

With the promotion to being a full member of the society, there are sure to be many new challenges ahead, ones that I want to bravely face with all my might.
Hopefully, by the end of 2010, I'll be one step closer to realising my dreams.

To all the people who made year 2009 a happy experience for me, and to those who will continue to be there for 2010, thank you!

And Happy New Year!
新年明けましておめでとうございます！
I wish you a year full of kindness and love.

This Is A Christmas Post

4 comments Published Friday, December 25, 2009 by Amanda.

Exactly.

Minutes before Christmas is over.

I don't actually have much to blog about, because we don't really celebrate Christmas, though the family did dine out today.
But other than that, it was just a normal day home.

And these days all I do is read.
And sleep (笑)
Days have been awfully quiet and slow, but there has never been a time when I was so content with life as I am now.

I want my own copy of that book.

The picture is of the glutinous rice balls we had for Winter Solstice.
This year's came in different shapes and sizes (and colour), and in truth they were quite unsightly, but we had fun making, and they were perfectly edible!
Glutinous rice balls are really quite "flexible", so nothing can go wrong, really. If anything, just fry it! (笑)
(Please refer to the July 2008 post)

Well then, Merry Christmas!

And till next time.

Final Distance

0 comments Published Saturday, December 19, 2009 by Amanda.

"You shouldn't sit on the couch," my younger brother said.

Confused, I gave him a questioning look. I wasn't sitting on the couch at that very moment.

"Because everytime you sit on it, you end up falling asleep!", he laughed.

That was something I didn't expect to hear.

But when I think about it, it's probably true. My subconscious knew it too. Perhaps that's why whenever we have a family movie session, I always end up choosing the floor over the couch (笑)

Before I go on, I'd like to apologise, like, really apologise, for the recent lack of updates.

With this much free time, I should be able to update more. And I intended to, too. But everytime I sit in front of my laptop, fingers hovering over the keyboard ready to type, my mind goes blank.

"Aaaaah, to hell with it, I'll do it tomorrow~", was what I thought everytime.

Then the same thing happens tomorrow. And tomorrow. And tomorrow. I'm sure you get the picture (笑)

Anyhow, I'm back now with my mind clearer than before.

Over the past week, there were two days during which I was home alone from morning until late evening. It was the first time I was truly alone, without the company of family members or friends (except for the dogs and the hamster and the fishes) ever since coming back to Malaysia close to a month ago, so I was able to spend some quality time with myself.

In the span of those few lonely hours, I was able to get lots of cleaning done, and had even started on a book, a rather unusual thing for me to do since I don't read much, save for fanfictions.

But the feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day from having everything nice and clean, and the enjoyment I felt from listening to instrumentals and sipping tea while reading was very nice, so I intend to do that more often.

The photos are of the outing I had with Boon and Yoke Heng on Tuesday.

All three of us live hours away from one another, so to be able to meet up like this, even if it's only for half a day, made me really happy. Though, I think I should apologise for wasting quite a bit of our time together being indecisive over which brand of tea to buy (笑)

To end this post, I'd like to share with you an old song which I've just rediscovered from one of Hong Aun's plurk, "Final Distance" by 宇多田ヒカルさん (Utada Hikaru-san).

The song was arranged in honour of 山下玲奈さん (Yamashita Rena-san), a 6-year-old who had previously won an essay competition, writing about how she respected, and wanted to be a singer just like 宇多田ヒカルさん. 山下玲奈さん was murdered in a school stabbing incident in 2001.

Bastard Defined

0 comments Published Friday, December 11, 2009 by Amanda.

You know you've come across a bastard when he refuses to return the handphone that your younger sister accidentally drops when both of you go jogging one day.

The nerve of that guy!

I hope he rots in hell.

What's The Hurry?

4 comments Published Sunday, December 06, 2009 by Amanda.

It's been two full weeks since I got home.
Two full weeks, during which nothing much happened, but at the same time, a lot has.

I couldn't remember a time when I had felt so out of place.

For the longest time now, I have been looking forward to this day - this day when Uni would be over, when I can finally say that I am ready to see the world, to be an independent adult who no longer cling to her parents' sleeves.
For this day to come, I have worked hard.
The effort that I have put in, everything has been for the sake of this day.

I was ready, I thought I was, to welcome this day.
And it wasn't until I've woken up from sleep the next day after the flight home that it hit me, and it hit me hard, just what am I to do now that I no longer have a solid goal to work towards.

"What do I want out of life?"
"What had I wanted to become?"
"Do I still want that?"
"What can I do now?"
"How should I proceed from here?"
"Will I be alright?"
I asked myself these questions day and night.

Because I have actually wanted to go somewhere,
because I have no idea how to get there,
because this want is at odds with what I had originally wanted,
and because I know that my ability is limited,
I got confused.
I wasn't able to relax. I grew anxious. I got agitated.
And I felt like I'm wasting time.

Things that I used to enjoy doing, I didn't feel like doing anymore.
I spent the day away feeling horrible and hating myself a little bit more than yesterday.
I felt as if I was changing to another person, and I didn't like it, not one bit.

It took me some time to finally pull myself back together again, to remind myself that there's no need to hurry.
After all, provided I don't die early, I'll have a lifetime to figure things out at my own pace, don't I?

In order to be able to look at myself objectively from now onwards, I want to always keep that in mind.

Because I'm A...

0 comments Published Monday, November 30, 2009 by Amanda.

Malaysian.

Being a Malaysian limits opportunities, in more ways than one.

And why am I not surprised.

Pure Evil Exists

0 comments Published Thursday, November 26, 2009 by Amanda.

Today, while I was splayed out on the couch browsing through a sales catalogue, my younger sister came up to me and said, in Japanese,

「あなたのお尻はとても大きい。」
(Reads, "Anata no oshiri wa totemo ookii.")
(Literally, "Your rear end is very big.")

The catalogue was then a reading material no more.

It became a weapon to hit brats with unnecessary comments on the head.

Later, when I went to fetch hot water from the thermos for my daily tea, I had the shock of my life.

From when a lizard jumped onto my hand.

So quite naturally, I screamed.

And got scolded by my younger brother for suddenly screaming o(>.<)o

Evil.

They're pure evil I tell you, my younger sister and the lizard are (笑)

2009 At A Glance

This Is A Christmas Post

Final Distance

Bastard Defined

What's The Hurry?

Because I'm A...

Pure Evil Exists

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